Bad Manners

I want to write something interesting and astute whilst sneaking in something devastatingly witty. I wanted to but I just can’t. I have watched every minute of every game except sadly the QPR game when I was in the UK to visit my Mum and to watch the Liverpool debacle at the Lane. I’m listening to little white fluffy clouds – it makes for cheery background music whilst I try not to lose my rag over what’s going on. We lost to a meaningless Stoke side who out shone us all over the field. However what would we be writing if Harry Kane scored his header or even more if the referee had not given the first goal (deflected in an offside position) ? But that is not what happened. Moreover it is happening regularly – we are poor.

Somehow we are level with Liverpool and Everton on points and we are only 3 points behind the Arse and only 4 points from a Champions League spot so why the long faces ? I’ll tell you why ! It was the manner of the defeat. All over the pitch I saw a sorry bunch of boys running around, headless, emotionless and skill-less. Okay everyone except for Hugo…. and I actually thought Chadli was okay – even before his strike he looked like the only one that had a clue going forward.

Okay I read “This is Spinal Crap” by Paul Maslin on this website and he is quite right our spine was jelly. Add his article to my article “Guard your Flanks” where I point out how bad we are in the wide areas and we have very very serious problems.

I don’t think Poch can do this ! He has inherited a team that is bankrupt in heart and passion. Hence my article about Michael Dawson last year ! He had heart, a Lionheart – yes he was too old and got turned too often but we need a heart in the middle of our defense to gel this team and we have…..the winner is….. no-one. Kaboul is too often exposed – Fazio seemingly too stupid – Vertonghen not interested and Chiriches is not a central defender (although he might be good in front of the back four – just an idea). Poch was handed a poor team strengthened by Dier, Davies, Fazio, Stromboli and Vorm. Okay it didn’t strengthen the team at all. So a poor team made weaker by the addition of etc etc.

We can all see the problems, the full backs aren’t good at defending, the central defensive pairings have no heart, the defensive midfielders are not strong enough to protect the back four, the wide players don’t get back to cover the defenders and going forward they always drift infield narrowing the pitch such that our feeble attack can’t attack a ball because we don’t get wide. So we don’t score goals and the defensive achievements we had against the Arse at Arse World are long forgotten. So going forward we are poor, defending we are poor and going sideways we are dangerous (to ourselves). SO what is the point of this tediously long article ? Well we need solutions – we all know the problems – but nobody has come up with solutions.

So here I go :

a. we could put them in a hessian pouch attached to a heavy rock and throw them all in the canal… quite a good idea but the canal would have to be deep ‘cos some of them are quite tall.

b. we can fire Poch – but we all blame Levy and Baldini – how can it be Poch’s fault ? Well it is not his fault but I do think that like AVB he is a talented young manager who will not have the luxury of time to develop his skill set at WHL.

c. Fire Levy ! Now this would be stupid ! Do you really want financial uncertainty off the field as well as uncertainty on the field ? I think not !

d. Let all the youngsters play – no not a good idea our team is already quite young and naive enough. Kane is not the answer either.

Okay some real suggestions :

a. Get rid of Baldini – yes this is good ! but it won’t solve any problems it will just stop it going more wrong in the next window. Let’s stop the bad signings of over-rated players immediately.

b. Play two up front at home. We are at the Lane – our striker gets lonely and discouraged on his own (and none are good enough to lead the line on their own).

c. Sell Andross Life’s End or give him up for adoption. He lacks. (Yes that is the end of the sentence.)

d. Get Lamela and Eriksen to body builders ! Grow them into fine young strong men and things will change. We cannot afford to play these two weaklings in the same team. (yes I know they are skilled!).

e. Buy some width. We need genuine width. Lennon is too old, Life’s End too moronic (shoot and bad pass – that’s what he has in his transparent locker). Get Robben or Ribbery or Pedro or Sterling but we need some genuine width and speed. Perhaps Lennon on acid !

f. Buy a real striker. Go and get Benteke. Stop arsing around and buy someone who is a genuine threat. Spend the money we have it !

g. Get a tough uncompromising centre back – Thiago Silva or Vlaar or Matt Hummels or De Vrij or even Jagielka (even I was surprised I said that )

h. Then concentrate on getting great full backs – Walker ? I would wait to see how he returns from injury so we need a decent left back…maybe the Belgian international left back…. maybe not …. buy bloody Leighton Baines

i. Sell sell sell – Life’s End, Soldado, Paulinho, Dembele, Vertonghen, Rose, Naughton, Lennon, Chiriches, BAE (yes we still pay his wages !).

That’s it ! No humour but genuine suggetions on a mid term solution. Short term we can only embarrass, invigorate or insist on extra training. I guess it is good that our squad is so bad that most can stay home from international duty (!!?) and practice.

Mark Norris, COYS