Daniel Levy & Tim Sherwood sketch

Tim Sherwood is waiting for his weekly meeting with Daniel Levy; Levy’s PA “Jane” is keeping Tim company in the meantime.

Jane: I am ever so sorry Mr Sherwood, I am sure that Mr Levy has been held up……

Levy suddenly bursts through the reception door in an energetic and merry mood!

Levy: Hello Tim!, Jane!!, fetch us a bottle of red wine prompto please.

Tim: Morning Governor!, actually I’ve got our morning training session soon and I would prefer a strong coffee….errr Jane could you…..

Levy: Nonsense Tim, a little red wine never hurt anyone!, Jane!!, fetch me one of the Portuguese ones Andre got me last summer and bring two glasses to my office!

Jane: Yes Sir, What about the bottles that Lord Sugar sent us over Christmas, they are still boxed up in cases in that corner…..

Levy: For crying out loud Jane, cheap wine gives me headaches!, can’t we get rid of those?, ahhh I know, send them on to Defoe as a going away present for all his hard work in scoring one Premier League goal in 2013!.

Tim: Actually we could have done with having Defoe until the end of the season.

Levy: Are you nuts Tim?, 6 million for a 31 year old bench warmer?, it almost felt like stealing , anyway the little fella is not doing too bad getting £100k a week from those Toronto mugs, hopefully we can flog some more of our deadwood to the MLS in the future!.

Tim: Deadwood huh?…. Fair enough, at least I don’t have to worry about making excuses to the moaning little git why his ass is always on the bench now, so errr what did you want me for gaffer?, do you want to go through the team tactics….

Levy: You are joking old sport?, I am still having shivers down my spine remembering all of Andre’s power point presentations on why we needed to sign Moutinho, Hulk and that Will-I-am bloke.

Tim: Good point, that Villa Boas was such a nerd!.

Levy: Indeed, nevertheless I am concerned about our last two poor performances Tim, did you realise that I was hosting my potential Chinese investors that Wednesday when we played City?, how did you expect me to explain to them that we are Champions League material after getting trashed 5-1?!.

Tim: But wasn’t my fault gaffer, that bloody linesman…………

Levy: But nothing Tim, do you know how much abuse I’m getting from the fans now?, despite me sanctioning over £100 million to Andre and his bum chum Franco to spend on players, I broke our transfer record three times for those twits, and now I’m getting emails from Dinosaur Gooner Ken Fryer calling us “we-buy-any-mug.com”.

Tim: I warned you that Franco and Andre were nothing but trouble, spending 60 million on those spice boys Soldado and Lamela, we should have gone for good old British grafters like Andy Carroll and Ricky Lambert instead….

Levy: Bloody hell Tim, were not playing rugby here mate?….but I know what you mean about Soldado and Lamela, however you will play them at every opportunity to keep them happy, for some reason Louis thinks he can get the best out of them next year!.

Tim: Louis???

Levy: (Thinking to himself) Damn it!, how could I be so stupid, I knew I shouldn’t have taken those energy booster pills that Stefan gave me, Lord knows where he gets them from!, Tim will hit the roof if he finds out Louis Van Gaal is taking over this summer, ummmm Tim is a decent bloke but he doesn’t strike me as the sharpest of the bunch, maybe I can get away with this……………..

Tim: Gaffer?, are you still with us ?, who the hell is Louis?.

Levy: Yes….errrrr….ahhhh! Louis Saha!.

Tim: Come on gaffer don’t mug me off, you’re getting Van Gaal in aint you!.

Levy: Relax Tim!, you wanted a striker to replace Defoe right?, well Saha is a free agent and has agreed to join us as a player/coach, I told you before I’m not interested in “Granddad” Van Gaal.

Tim: but….Saha?, Harry let him go a couple of years ago cos he was too old, this doesn’t make sense…… what’s going on gaffer?

Levy: Don’t look so worried Tim!, Saha will do just fine, he is a nice bloke and will be a good coach too!, actually it’s a shrewd move as I don’t trust that Stefan anymore.

Tim: But…..are you sure?

Levy: Chin up Tim, trust me!, this time next year we will be playing in the Champions League!.

Later on that day in France, Louis Saha picks up a phone call…………….

Saha: Hello.

Levy: Louis!, how are you son?.

Saha: Mr Chairman?, is that you ?!.

Levy: It certainly is Louis!, whatever you’re doing, cancel it, Christmas is coming early for you this year son, just thank your lucky stars that your folks named you Louis!, You should be getting a special delivery soon with an easyjet ticket to London for tonight, then tomorrow morning you will be meeting up with Tim and the boys at the training ground, also I have got a cracking vintage case of red wine waiting for you as a joining present !, anyway I’ve got to dash, but I will see you tomorrow, bye!.

Saha: But Mr Chairman….I…errr…hello, hello?……