Let me start off with the fact that I hate the title anything that says “up the Arse” feels wrong to me (on many levels) !! However the point of this brief article is to have a quick look at our players and indicate who really needs a kick up the arse !!
1. Nacer Chadli
I remember the excitement I felt when we signed him. “The first name on the Belgium Team’s manager team sheet.” That’s the quote that excited me. Well, one goal apart, his season has been terrible he seems to have everything ! No……. everything to a medium level – not fast or slow, not a good tackler not a bad one, not good in the air yet tall, in fact he really aggravates me ! Mediocre and unworthy. Ideal for Swansea – really ! Can’t change a match, not exciting to watch and has never won a header. An admirable number one for kicking in the arse.
2. Andros Townsend
I watched him play for England and he was magnificent – skinning the right back and enthusiastic. Of course you can’t expect him to cover back – he was the hero every England fan has been dying for. In truth Andros was playing against a team that have never heard of him, his covering for the right back (Smalling I believe) was criminal but nobody cared. His confidence soared ! Uh oh ! Now, for us, he shoots from every inconceivable angle wasting attack after attack. His covering still terrible, he has become a liability. Andros, watch Lennon ! Aaron gets back and makes Walker look less of a liability. Tim, kick Andros up the arse tell him to pass and work harder, tell him to lose the ego and get back to what he should be doing, beating his man and crossing.
3. Etienne Capoue
This man came to the Lane and we thought we had another Beast. He looked big, fast and strong. Wow with Sandro on a sick note , this was the guy ! Now, an injury later, what have we got ? He is late into every tackle, he is clumsy and his distribution at times woeful. It is the tendency to be too slow into the tackle that will get this guy sent off and we will lose points. Get him into the gym – get him fit again – kick him up the arse and get him back up to speed.
4. Erik Lamela
I hear you all shouting at me “Not Erik, his injury has held him back ! He will settle and be great ! He has genuine skill and a great future”. Well I say he needs a kick up the arse. In fact several ! How do you honestly expect to thrive in any country that you do not speak the lingo. You lazy git ! You want the trappings that come with success don’t you Erik ? Well learn the goddamn language so you can get a feel of what is going on at this great club in the best league in the world !
5. Mousa Dembele
I think that this man is great on the ball – so do you ! He glides past opponents, he works hard, he tackles, he is strong, he completes passes but…….but the outcome is so much less than what is promised. Players like Jack the lad Wilshire is also good at opening up space by beating a player but he has the ability to find a telling pass, he produces ! Mousa is like a Mouse-a when it comes to splitting the opponents defenses. I love you Mousa but you need a kick in the arse because you do not dictate the game as you should ! You should be in the top 4 midfielders in the EPL !
Also rans :
Sunderland’s player of the season last year. That doesn’t impress you ? Really ? Well you are right, Danny is good at going forward, like Nacir Chadli one decent goal to his name, but so often poor in defense. Is it that he is not concentrating for the 90+ minutes ? We desperately need a left back. Not Fryers, not Naughton but a decent left back. I would have taken Baines in a heartbeat (still will). So a kick up the arse ? No not really ! I think that this is the best Broadway can do.
Okay not too much time to waste here. A good player hitting a sticky patch. He does extra training. He scores loads in training. He is the most handsome guy on the team (according to my wife). He will come good. He is already doing all he can – it’s just a matter of getting one then another and he will be fine.
Also honorable mentions for Hugo Lloris, his eccentric runs out of goal are too often; Aaron Lennon for not smiling (see the team website) and his recent inability to get on the ball; Kyle Walker for the terrible way he defends the crossfield ball; Daws and Harry Kane for their complete lack of speed; and lastly for Vlad Chiriches who never knows when to stick or twist.
We all have players that frustrate you – who are your top 3 and why ?
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