A Kick up the Arse

11
Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
Dom Le Roy

Let me start off with the fact that I hate the title anything that says “up the Arse” feels wrong to me (on many levels) !! However the point of this brief article is to have a quick look at our players and indicate who really needs a kick up the arse !!

1. Nacer Chadli
I remember the excitement I felt when we signed him. “The first name on the Belgium Team’s manager team sheet.” That’s the quote that excited me. Well, one goal apart, his season has been terrible he seems to have everything ! No……. everything to a medium level – not fast or slow, not a good tackler not a bad one, not good in the air yet tall, in fact he really aggravates me ! Mediocre and unworthy. Ideal for Swansea – really ! Can’t change a match, not exciting to watch and has never won a header. An admirable number one for kicking in the arse.

2. Andros Townsend
I watched him play for England and he was magnificent – skinning the right back and enthusiastic. Of course you can’t expect him to cover back – he was the hero every England fan has been dying for. In truth Andros was playing against a team that have never heard of him, his covering for the right back (Smalling I believe) was criminal but nobody cared. His confidence soared ! Uh oh ! Now, for us, he shoots from every inconceivable angle wasting attack after attack. His covering still terrible, he has become a liability. Andros, watch Lennon ! Aaron gets back and makes Walker look less of a liability. Tim, kick Andros up the arse tell him to pass and work harder, tell him to lose the ego and get back to what he should be doing, beating his man and crossing.

3. Etienne Capoue
This man came to the Lane and we thought we had another Beast. He looked big, fast and strong. Wow with Sandro on a sick note , this was the guy ! Now, an injury later, what have we got ? He is late into every tackle, he is clumsy and his distribution at times woeful. It is the tendency to be too slow into the tackle that will get this guy sent off and we will lose points. Get him into the gym – get him fit again – kick him up the arse and get him back up to speed.

4. Erik Lamela
I hear you all shouting at me “Not Erik, his injury has held him back ! He will settle and be great ! He has genuine skill and a great future”. Well I say he needs a kick up the arse. In fact several ! How do you honestly expect to thrive in any country that you do not speak the lingo. You lazy git ! You want the trappings that come with success don’t you Erik ? Well learn the goddamn language so you can get a feel of what is going on at this great club in the best league in the world !

5. Mousa Dembele
I think that this man is great on the ball – so do you ! He glides past opponents, he works hard, he tackles, he is strong, he completes passes but…….but the outcome is so much less than what is promised. Players like Jack the lad Wilshire is also good at opening up space by beating a player but he has the ability to find a telling pass, he produces ! Mousa is like a Mouse-a when it comes to splitting the opponents defenses. I love you Mousa but you need a kick in the arse because you do not dictate the game as you should ! You should be in the top 4 midfielders in the EPL !

Also rans :
Danny Rose
Sunderland’s player of the season last year. That doesn’t impress you ? Really ? Well you are right, Danny is good at going forward, like Nacir Chadli one decent goal to his name, but so often poor in defense. Is it that he is not concentrating for the 90+ minutes ? We desperately need a left back. Not Fryers, not Naughton but a decent left back. I would have taken Baines in a heartbeat (still will). So a kick up the arse ? No not really ! I think that this is the best Broadway can do.

Roberto Soldado
Okay not too much time to waste here. A good player hitting a sticky patch. He does extra training. He scores loads in training. He is the most handsome guy on the team (according to my wife). He will come good. He is already doing all he can – it’s just a matter of getting one then another and he will be fine.

Also honorable mentions for Hugo Lloris, his eccentric runs out of goal are too often; Aaron Lennon for not smiling (see the team website) and his recent inability to get on the ball; Kyle Walker for the terrible way he defends the crossfield ball; Daws and Harry Kane for their complete lack of speed; and lastly for Vlad Chiriches who never knows when to stick or twist.

We all have players that frustrate you – who are your top 3 and why ?

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11 COMMENTS

  1. First off, really enjoyed the read, with good points made about the ‘slackers’ in the team. Good stuff!

    A kick up the arse is about right, too.. sometimes the lack of effort from a few in the team, is shocking. Loyalty’s one thing but Dawson’s another. Burns me to say but, if you look at the other top teams, which of them would play ‘Daws’? He’s cannon-fodda for the better strikers (attackers) in the league.

    My three would be:

    1/. Dawson (see above) 2/. Kyle Walker – Always out of position; terrible passing; lack of awareness/composure.

    3/. Andros ‘ the boss’ Townsend – one trick pony, uncultured footballer with poor all-round ability, occasional moments of intelligence!

  2. Mine would be

    Walker – if you going to go forward learn to cross

    Lennon- go and live with Stewart downing till u learn to cross

    Townsend- your not Gareth bale

    I would say Dawson and rose but Dawson tries his best and rose is not a lb

  3. Interesting article – what about Kaboul & Sandro always injured – what about Eriksen and his corners ?

    My top 3 would be
    1. Townsend
    2. Lennon
    3. Walker
    all for being crap at crossing !

  4. Dawson cant help being slow. The problem comes from the managers who pick him. Walker does get out of position but sometimes thats because he is positioning himself to get Dawson out of trouble!. Lennon is the one who needs the kicking! He is no longer “promising” and is no better now than 5 years ago. He is coasting in a comfort zone. Chadli doesnt excite me yet but he is more effective and productive than Showboat Townsend.

  5. Interesting article because ironically despite our current points/standings in the league, why does it feel like we still don't have a clue this season!!!

    Myy top 3:
    1. Soldado: complete shite and not good looking despite what your mrs says (very expensive penalty taker – would take Orzil any day)
    2. Rose (extremely over rated (would take back BEA any day) still using once in a lifetime emotive strike against the Arse as equity – too tubby as well.
    3. This is split 3 ways. a. Walker because he runs very fast nowhere. b. Daws because we love him but his wayward long diagonal ball only worked when we had Bale to control them and score.c. Townsend because he's greedy and predictable and agree got way to much England praise!

  6. I wrote this article before the Norwich game – now I have to add Paulinho because he does not put any effort in – he was culpable in the Norwich goal – jogged around casually to absolutely no effect. Plus I have to add Sherwood for keeping Benteleb in the starting eleven when he clearly needs a rest. Two new kicks in the arse !! Perhaps it would have been better to write an article entitled "Who doesn't deserve a kick in the Arse ?'…. it would have been much shorter !

    • Massive kick up the arse to my mate Soldado who once again didn't hit the target from deep in the box twice. (hope it's just on the field for his wife's sake)

      And another kick up the asre to your mate Chadli who missed a sitter (well at least it was on target)

      Miserable times!

      At least we can still watch Gareth Bale scoring beauties for RM! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6Pei5FQvgA

  7. So lets see – your Premier League form since December shows 15 games played, 3 losses, 3 draws, and 9 wins – not exactly top 4 form, but it beats ManUre’s form…

    You can argue that’s been against mid/lower level teams, but given the club a) sold your prized asset who perhaps won games for you last season, that you might not/shouldn’t have won, b) brought in 8 gazillion players over the summer, none of which have played in the Premier League before, and c) sacked your coach (who apparently wanted only some of them anyway), I have to ask: what exactly did you think was going to happen? Top of the table at this point, with Unicorns shitting Fairy dust over the team?

    You’ve got a decent run-in, 3 games against Arsenal, Chelski and ‘Pool apart; it’ll be hard to catch the top 4, and you’ll need a bit of luck, but stranger things have happened.

    From what I’ve seen this team has potential, but not this season, especially given what’s happened. Sherwood’s appointment always felt like a stop-gap/cop-out until the summer, when Levy could do some more shopping. If you can find a battle-hardened Manager who’s been at this or a similar level; someone who can switch tactics/players effectively DURING the game when it’s needed and who knows how to organise/get the best out of a team, you might be in with a shot next season.

  8. So lets see – since the summer the club has a) sold their prized asset who perhaps won games for you last season, that you might not/shouldn’t have won, b) brought in 8 gazillion players over the summer, none of who have played in the Premier League before, and c) sacked your coach (who apparently wanted only some of them anyway), I have to ask: what exactly did you think was going to happen? Top of the table at this point, with Unicorns shitting Fairy dust over the team?

    Your Premier League form since December shows 15 games played, 3 losses, 3 draws, and 9 wins – not exactly top 4 form, but it beats ManUre’s over that period. You can also argue that’s been against mid/lower level teams, but given the teams currently above you and their form over the same period, it's hard to see how much further up the table Spurs could be.

    You’ve got a decent run-in, 3 games against Arsenal, Chelski and ‘Pool apart; it’ll be hard to catch the top 4, and you’ll need a bit of luck, but stranger things have happened.

    From what I’ve seen this team has potential, but not this season, especially given what’s happened. Sherwood’s appointment always felt like a stop-gap/cop-out until the summer, when Levy could do some more shopping. If you can find a battle-hardened Manager who’s been at this or a similar level, someone who can switch tactics/players effectively DURING the game when it’s needed, who knows how to organise/get the best out of a team, AND give the Manager time to implement their plans/style of play you might be in with a shot.

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