Real Madrid offer everything in the world for Bale

Real Madrid are preparing a massive offer of £EVERYTHING* for Tottenham star Gareth Bale.

The Spanish club are set to club together every resource they can get their hands on to bring Gareth Bale to the Bernabeu. However, this may prove to be difficult as the Bernabeu is set to be used as part of the deal to sign the Welsh winger.

Authorities are trying to block the move, but Real Madrid president Florentino Perez has told them via a parody of a Beach Boys song that he is “Florentino Perez” and he “signs who he wants.”

Perez has assembled a crack team of ‘gathering galacticos’ to gather all things that could possibly be used in a deal to bring Bale to Madrid.

Perez and his team have been scouring not only the club, but also the streets of Madrid, and have been throwing everything of an saleable value in a big vault, which is said to currently include 3 market stalls, The Spanish Royal Palace, upwards of a hundred Madrid citizens, a tram and Angel Di Maria.

However, Daniel Levy has been quick to quash the rumours, assuring Spurs fans everywhere that Bale is not for sale at any price.

“We are not looking to sell our best player. That is simply not what we do here at Tottenham Hotspur” claimed Levy, with cartoon pound signs taking the place of his pupils.

Despite Levy’s claims, Spurs have reportedly already begun to look for replacements for two times player of the year attacking maestro Gareth Bale, and so far have been linked with several defensive midfielders.

*Top tip for aspiring journo’s. If quoting a bid, make sure you refer to it as ‘massive’, ‘huge’, or ‘extravagant’, and then put the number in CAPITALS. Thus emphasising that the game has gone MAD.

This is of course a satirical piece and the above “Daniel Levy quotes” are not from the man himself and are in fact fictional for those who believe everything they read.