Player Match Up: Arsenal vs Wigan


It’s a big game at the Emirates tonight. Anything other than a home win will put a spring in the step of all Spurs fans thus it can’t do any harm to know more about the teams that have our future in their hands. Here are a few of the key player match ups.

Wojciech Szczesny v Joel Robles

Szczesny made his name as a promising young shot stopper who used his big gob to good effect in catching goal bound efforts. When fame went to his head he had his teeth done thus reducing the size of his facial orifice so as well as producing verbal diarrhoea at unprecedented volumes he now looks good as he sheepishly picks the ball out of the net after his latest gaffe. A huge fan of Aaron Lennon, he recently threw himself at the Spurs speedster’s feet rather than attempt a save as the winger rounded him to score what proved to be the winner in the north London derby.

The lanky Robles gave up a career as a Cuban recording star to come and play for Wigan. Has an attraction named after him at Thorpe Park due to his ability to appear to be 5 times his actual size as you approach him. Has won more medals in England than any of his likely Arsenal opponents tonight.


Kieran Gibbs v Callum Mcmanaman

Gibbs is on loan from Holby City. It’s a little known fact that his legs are made of glass; hence his appearances are about as rare as a gracious comment from his manager.

Contrary to popular knowledge, Mcmanananaman is no relation to the former Liverpool and Real Madrid player…Fernando Morientes; he is in fact the cousin of Steve Mcmanaman the TV pundit and one-time member of boy band, The Scouse Boys. At the weekend he gave one of the finest performances in recent FA Cup Finals twisting former gooner Gael Clichy into such knots he was able to witness his own colonic irrigation at close range. Has won more medals in England than any of his likely Arsenal opponents tonight.

Per Mertesacker v Arouna Kone

As a youngster the German left the circus to become a footballer and was bought by Arsenal mainly due to his visibility when appealing for offside. The hatstand model was recently ejected from Secrets nightclub in Harpenden after being continually mistaken for the pole the dancers were using, an explanation that perplexed Warsaw-born Szczesny immensely.

Kone is a feared striker famed for his ever changing coloured hair. His speed is to blame for his striking locks, after setting off one GATSO camera too many whilst on training runs a local magistrate ordered him to start using his very own traffic light system. Has won more medals in England than any of his likely Arsenal opponents tonight.

Mikel Arteta v James McArthur

The tears that streaked many Man Utd fans cheeks last weekend were matched by those of Mikel Arteta when he realised that David Moyes was about to become manager at Old Trafford. Slowly it dawned on him that if he’d shown some dignity and loyalty at the start of last season then surely he’d have quickly become a pivotal figure in a post Scholes midfield for the Champions. Playing in front of loyal fans rather than bin bags, getting beyond the first knockout stage of the Moneybags League, domestic medals and international fame could all have been his.

James is something of a legend on the streets of Wigan. His donning of tropical shirts, shorts and flip flops no matter the weather makes him easy to spot! His outfits are all chosen in honour of the character Danny Williams from the TV show Hawaii Five-O originally played by the similarly named James MacArthur. Whenever James finds the back of the net, he makes an exaggerated rowing motion with his arms in homage to the series’ opening credits before pointing at the opposing keeper and shouting ‘Book ‘im, Danno’.

Arsene Whinger v Roberto Martinez

The rodent faced gooner boss never made a living as a player and is very aware that his time as a manager is running short. As a result he’s recently attempted to diversify into such areas as water bottle testing by smashing them into the ground at apparently frustrating moments, duvet wearer and illusionist – I’m sure we all remember his famous Fourth Place Trophy deception.

Martinez is everything Wenger wishes he could be, sophisticated, charming, non-complaining, much-admired and of course, a winner.

So there we have it. That’s the cast, come on you Latics!

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