A fan’s eye view: Spurs vs West Ham


It’s West Ham on Sunday afternoon. Our mood is a slightly nervous one what with recent results and all. What’s the view from the land of whelks and cockles though? I interrupted an Iron in the middle of a right old cockney knees up and asked him a few questions.

 So, who are you and why are you a West Ham fan?

I’m North Bank Norman’s handsome cousin. Why West Ham?  1966 World Cup Winners, Trevor falling over at Wembley to head past the Arse, the Boys of 86, Julian, Lasagne-gate, etc etc

I’m guessing you’re pleased with the way the season’s going. It’s been bubbles all the way so far?

Not if you went to either of the away league or home cup games against Wigan.

The stats for the defence are particularly impressive. Who has stood out?

Jusi and Ginge have been a bit suspect but Winston Reid has done well

Kevin Nolan appears to be influential, a proper red faced, gurning and fist pumping, get stuck in type leader?

Yep, our best Scouser since Alvin. He’s no Usain Bolt around the pitch but turns up in the right place when needed.

And how about Big Sam’s tactics? Is it true that there’s a jellied eel stall in the centre circle at Upton Park now that the midfield’s no longer in use?

No, but pie and liquor seem to be on the pitch whenever Carlton tries to run with the ball. For Sam, we’ve been playing a system that is expansive and closer to earth than expected. Jarvis and Yossi are no hoofers.

You couldn’t have picked a better time to play us; confidence and results are at a season low whilst injuries and suspensions (one!) are peaking. You must fancy your chances? (I do even if you don’t).

All Hammers will tell you that we can pull defeat out of victory at the drop of a hat.  There is a job going at Chelski though so maybe AVB is thinking about having another go and is distracted.

Jermain Defoe will be leading our line, isn’t it time to forgive and forget?


And a few quick ones –
Adele or The Cockney Rejects?

Cockney bubbles.

Pie and mash with ‘gravy’ or a goat curry with rice and peas?


James Corden or Michael McIntyre?

If we are talking fat comedians then Porky Jupitus

Stephen Mangan or Russell Brand?

Someone with a pair of scissors

And a prediction for Sunday please?

Tube travel will be a shambles


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  1. Its funny – Wet Spammers hate Spurs with a vengeance (I guess its because the natural enemy, Millwall, are always in a lower league) but frankly, we cant bring ourselves to hate you lot at all. You've become a bit of a feeder club admittedly, and we often dump our flops on you, but actually, we dont think about you lot very often….maybe twice a year when you make your occasional voyage into the top division. We hate Arsenal, and everyone hates Chelski, but you lot are really like Orient just with a bigger ground and more fans. Get it? We dont care if you hate us, like Kate Moss doesnt care that I fancy her – its irrelevant to our lives. So jump up and down on Sunday and make your racist and anti-semitic remarks (hope Yossi appreciates the hissing gas sound) – you are about as much concern to us as rivals as West Brom are. Sorry, but thats how it is.


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