RIP Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, 1882-2013

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A crowd of 36,000 gathered to witness the death of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club on Thursday evening. Coroners described the death as ‘premature, shocking and unusual’, stating that ‘never had such a minor event resulted in such a tragic outcome’. They identified the cause of death as a 2-2 draw at home to an excellent Champions League team, before comparing it to ‘a spider, crawling into your mouth whilst sleeping, then realising it is very hungry, and eating all of your internal organs’ – the chief coroner then simply summarised by saying it was ‘unexpected’.

The coroner then tried to identify the stages that led to the death. They said that the two first-half goals of FC Basel, combined with an extremely lethargic display, was ‘the first nail in the coffin’. He went on to say that there was then a short period of recovery, as two Tottenham goals galvanised the crowd and the players, but soon, it all dwindled. Tottenham soon had to be placed on a life support system, and when William Gallas walked off, saying (I quote) “I’m tired”, the electricity supply flickered. The final straw was the heart of Tottenham being destroyed, and having to be stretchered off. At that point, they closed the door on Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

Shocked fans were deep in discussion on their way home from the tragic and sudden passing. “We are finished” they said. “How can we possibly only draw at home to Basel?” and “AVB out” others said.
But then, rising out of the ashes, came hope. Shouts of elation came up on Friday afternoon as it was revealed that Tottenham Hotspur Football Club had in fact survived. The heart and soul of Tottenham was revealed to only be ‘temporarily damaged’ for just 2 weeks – and fortunately Gareth Bale and Aaron Lennon are only out for a short time too.

And then, a scandalous statement. “We are still in the Europa League”. What is this nonsense? We drew at home to Basel! That’s the end of the season. The season is finished. It’s not pining! It’s passed on! This season is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! Its metabolic processes are now history! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!

We are 3rd in the Premier League. We are still in the quarter finals of the Europa League, although we do face a tough task to go any further. We still have the French national captain, the best player in the Premier League, the German under-21 captain, one of the best defenders in the world, one of the most exciting managers in the world, and we have Steffen Freund.

Bloody hell, get a grip. Tottenham Hotspur lives on, and it will live on if we are in the Blue Square South, and it will live on if we win the Champions League.

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52 COMMENTS

  1. Was that a direct quote from Gallas saying "I'm tired?" If it was then i have to say I'm tired of his lethargic yet somehow cocky displays and the sooner he leaves and joins a non league side the better.

      • We are pessimistic cos we always make it so hard for ourselves (its never easy, think West Ham, Swansea, Gooners +most games) and more often than not seem to f it up in some way… I was in the Park Lane on Thursday and was well disappointed with both the fans and our team in the last 30 mins – we all thought we had it in the bag and we can't expect the lads to be motivated if we don't get behind them ourselves! Whilst Gallas was shocking first half, in the last 1/2 hr before he went off he was our best defender and saved us a couple of times in the box right in front of my eyes when no-one else was bothered. Vertonghen for all his brilliance so far this season had a very poor game by the high standards he has set for himself and was clearly at fault on their 2nd goal for failing to clear the corner properly.
        All this 7 cup finals talk is good to hear but prove it tomorrow lads. Everton will be harder than Basel so we can't afford to fall asleep and need to go for the jugular early in the game like at Swansea. If they get an incling that they can keep us at 0-0 til HT (or better) then they will make it so hard for us with most fans at the Lane being as they are. Gonna be hard to stay ahead of the vultures with the games we have and should prob have forgotten about the EL long ago. Unfortunately, whatever anyone says, we are still punching above our weight (considering finances/wages) as we are above Chelski and the Goons with 7 games to go (+ 5 points behind Citeh) but please god don't let us f it up again this season as last summer was just so miserable!! ;) COYS!!!

    • Spurs fans: we seem to be a bunch of miserable ingrates with overly high expectations. He's 35 FFS! He's done well for us, show some respect.

  2. the sooner he goes the better – whats the matter with playing Caulker – good enough for England but not Spurs??

  3. I don't get it – only two strikers at the club in the summer – none bought in January and we sold Pav last January and this is AVB's fault how?

    Injuries to Defoe, Lennon, Kaboul all season now Bale and this is AVBs fault?

    Problem stems from upstairs – we are in the same position now than if we had kept Jol – as Harry put it – this is as good as it gets – and he's right – if we don't have the money to compete with the best then we can't compete it's as simple as that … Chelsea have spent over £90 million this year and if they or Man City win silverware their fans will be disapointed that it wasn't the league or the CL.

    Thursday was the death of our season – a very thin squad with no game changer to bring on when the going gets rough and now two pivotal matches without Defoe, Bale or Lennon it is very grim ….

    • "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." – Albert Einstein quotes

      Spend some money on a top notch, reliable striker, please!!

  4. well said, as spurs fans we know too well that we have some morons in our ranks who have no idea about the big picture. My only critiiscm is playing Gallas, that is all. He is being played out of respect for his career, not his form / ability in the present. Caulker / Dawson have to start every game in combination with Dawson, defences are build with partnerships and chopping and changing is not condusive to solidity. It will be very interesting what happens when Kaboul comes back, does BAE get kicked out of and Jan on the left ? Great season so far, the future is going to be exciting, and all we need to is a bit of luck & a lot of fight to end on a high. Some stato´s are predicting we finish 3rd, scum 4th, chelsea 5th. https://twitter.com/JamesWGrayson/status/32056535

    COYS! Believe.

  5. i love the way this is written, the sarcastic whit with the twist at the end of actual truths.

    However its this sort of Sarcasm, and pop at fans that can lead to division on the terreces. The White Hart Lane crowd is the quiestest its ever been. Not because The Club has died coz it hasnt. im not calling for sackings, im not naming players who have done their time & need to go, what i am calling for is that we all realise that though we ARE 3rd and still in Europe we DO have a left & right back massivly out of form, a midfield either injured or also off form, and a striking duo either injured or off form ?
    So although the club will be here long after we have all gone the fact remains we ARE in danger of failing down the leauge out of the CL places (again) and not getting past Basel next week.
    we cant keep pretending the collapse dosnt happen.

  6. If Gallas Had Said ‘I’m Tired’,

    I Would Have Strangled His Neck And Kicked Him off The Tallest Fu****g Cliff In The World…

  7. Spurs fan for 16 years… So you've NEVER seen your club finish above Arsenal.

    It's ok. Did you know that 92% of spurs fans have NEVER seen them win a title?

    Now seriously…. How can Spurs even be allowed to enter the Champions League when they haven't been Champions for over half a decade!!!???

    Hilarious.

    • If you’re going to take digs at spurs fans, you may want to look up the definition of the word “decade”. If my memory serves me well, Arsenal have not won a tropy in over half a decade.

    • And nearly 10 years is OK ? You don't have to be champions to qualify to play in the CL, or have you forgotten the rules you div? you shouldn't have, as you've been in it for the last decade without being champions. By the way, I think they should intorduce a rule that if you've been in it for 16 long years without winning it a single time, you should be banned for the next five years to give a club with some decent European pedigree a go at winning it.

    • Obviously the gaping gap he's minding is that large void between his ears. How can the Nomads enter in the Champions League in 2012/13 when it's SEVEN YEARS, TEN MONTHS. SITEEN DAYS and several hours since they won ANY trophy let alone the Premier League. Thinks before you post and demonstrate you are a moron. Keep quiet and let us think it. There's no need for you to confirm it.
      "Now seriously…. How can Spurs even be allowed to enter the Champions League when they haven't been Champions for over half a decade!!!??? " Half a decade is FIVE years but I beleive this cretin doesn't know that he means half a CENTURY(50 years).Now that is hilarious that he shows himself to be such a cretin!!

    • So I guess its been 5 years since 2010-11?…. And in fact we have been much closer to winning trophies than St. Arsington has recently, if memory serves correctly, we just always shit the bed at the end of the season and you sneak into CL somehow…….

  8. Give Carroll and Hudd their chance. One dying for a chance, the other a chance of redemption! We've had no playmaker since Modders, and I've a good feeling that both Toms can step in and free up our stale and tired midfield. It's misfired anyway for months, and only Bale, and occasionally Dembele, has stepped outside our ineffective visionless tip tapping etc to take games by the throat! Let Dembele and Hudd dovetail in front of the back four and Carroll just behind Ade whilst bringing in Holtby and Sig from the flanks. Bench Dempsey, Parker and Vertonghen ..and let Caulker and Daws be the stalwarts with Bene and Walker pushing forward to support whatever wing play Holtby and Sig can apply. That'll bugger up Moyes' tactics.

    • Drop Vertonghen? Whoops of course as he hasn't won the Barclys Premier League Player of the Month since MARCH 2013 and has only scored four or so goals in the last couple of months. Useless or what? Can I have some of what this guy is on if it's legal.

    • Give Hudd a chance? He has had enough chances in the last 8 years he has been at the club. I like Carroll, but his position is not to play behind the striker. He is a central midfielder with great defensive qualities, he could never provide a spark that Modric could. BAE and Walker have also been shocking all season… And dropping Vertonghen… You know what, this post was a joke, haha, you got me.

  9. its a real pity that some fans do genuinely see it as the article headlines, i consider it a honour and a real privilege to compete year in year out in the best league in the world, this years europa league has enabled me to attend games against roma,lyon,inter milan and this week it was basel and thats over and above beating and drawing with the champions elect, playing the big money teams etc oh and beating the romany lot from woolwich, please get a grip you bunch of moaning cnuts.

  10. I'm a season ticket holder in my 60s and been going to Spurs since 1967. A lot of people keep getting frustrated at our collapses of recent seasons. I imagine that similar frustrated fans existed at Leeds United a few years ago and Charlton more recently. Leeds went for broke and failed and ended up in division one. Charlton got dissatisfied with 6th and 7th in the premiership and Curbishley departed, they went the same way. I think a lot of fans need a reality check. We don't have a mega rich owner like Chelsea or Man. City, we don't have a ground to hold double the capacity of the Lane (yet). What we do have is a very good chairman who is a Spurs fan and we are there competing for Champions League places year on year. Personally I'm happy with that despite getting frustrated at our collapses. Ask Leeds and Charlton fans if they could turn back the clock and I think I know the answer.

    • eh….we do have a mega rich owner in Joe Lewis……he's just more of a business man than the Chelsea and Man C owners. He wants a return, they do not!

      • Hi Birdman whilst I'll admit Joe lewis is not short of a bob or two, he's not in the same class as Man City or Chelsea's ownwers. Bit lik comparing Tesco's to the corner shop.

    • People always use the Leeds example as to why not to spend on players…But 3 teams are relegated every year, typically the ones who spend the least on players…Players is what we need, yet there has been no net spend in two years…

  11. Great article, I've been a spurs fan all my life, my first visit at 7yrs old I've seen the very good days and the not so good. We're one of the best teams in the prem and getting better all the time, and doing it without the backing and money of certain other clubs. A striker,a creative midfielder and we're on our way.it takes time a new manager has to settle I think he's made mistakes but we're still 3rd and that's without any strikers as such,we've had a couple of set backs,but realistically how many points would we have expected from these next 3games a draw with Everton a loss at Chelsea a draw with Man city,I'd be happy with that all the games after we will win,it'll be tough but our best players will be back and confidence high,heads up COYS

  12. Why arsenal may have not won a trophy in a while at least they have trophies,in my 37 years spurs have never even come close,win something then talk,and no im not a arsenal fan.

    • Wow are you saying we haven't won any trophies in 37 years get a grip.We are aspring to be a regular champions league team i don't care what they have won or what they're doing.If they come 3rd and we come 4th i don't care as long as we're in champions league.What has Arsenal winning trophies got to do with anything that has been said in this article.You go look on the other posts on this site here and other websites and you will find that they are the ones that come here and start mouthing off and your trying to tell us we have to take it and say nothing back like we don't have a right to cos they used to win trophies a few years ago do 1.

    • Ermmm.. 2-1 U stinking pile of goon… Pride of North London for summer 2013 so suck em and see! ;) Even if you finish above us we beat you 2-1 – we beat the scum 2-1! ;)

    • Er 81/2 & 82/3. FA cup 84 euafa cup 92 FA cup, the carling cup a couple of years ago, in fact in recent years we have won more than woolwich nomads. For a 37 year old you have a very poor memory. Oh and the only trophy Garry linker won in England was with spurs in the 90's the FA cup. Get your facts right

      • So Steve three premier league titles are forgotten are they, and four FA cups including two doubles? Sorry mate your math and your memory are not too good. Spurs are a good side but please don't live in fantasy land, you only make yourself look silly.

  13. What a shit piece of sarcasm, complete non article. Does nothing but fuel the pessimism of those fans it indirectly attacks. Support the team, enjoy the Europa and top 4 battle.

  14. We are pessimistic cos we always make it so hard for ourselves (its never easy, think West Ham, Swansea, Gooners +most games) and more often than not seem to f it up in some way… I was in the Park Lane on Thursday and was well disappointed with both the fans and our team in the last 30 mins – we all thought we had it in the bag and we can't expect the lads to be motivated if we don't get behind them ourselves! Whilst Gallas was shocking first half, in the last 1/2 hr before he went off he was our best defender and saved us a couple of times in the box right in front of my eyes when no-one else was bothered. Vertonghen for all his brilliance so far this season had a very poor game by the high standards he has set for himself and was clearly at fault on their 2nd goal for failing to clear the corner properly.
    All this 7 cup finals talk is good to hear but prove it tomorrow lads. Everton will be harder than Basel so we can't afford to fall asleep and need to go for the jugular early in the game like at Swansea. If they get an incling that they can keep us at 0-0 til HT (or better) then they will make it so hard for us with most fans at the Lane being as they are. Gonna be hard to stay ahead of the vultures with the games we have and should prob have forgotten about the EL long ago. Unfortunately, whatever anyone says, we are still punching above our weight (considering finances/wages) as we are above Chelski and the Goons with 7 games to go (+ 5 points behind Citeh) but please god don't let us f it up again this season as last summer was just so miserable!! ;) COYS!!!

  15. Wow didnt realise you were all so soft,yes arsenal supporters do give it to spurs fans,its a free world though isnt it,give it back to em,dont know which of these posts your on about but spurs fans seem to be giving it back just as good,my suggestion is grow a set.

    • My point is he said we have no right to say anything as they used to win trophies 7 8 9 years ago i will always big it up but i won't be told we can't say anything just because they were once a successful team.

  16. In my last post the grow a set suggestion was directed at paul,as for 2-1 pride of NL,correct me if im wrong but isnt this the team that were torn apart 8-2 but then shortly after beat spurs 5-2,repeating the scoreline again at the start of this season,as well as giving up what would for any other team be an insurmountable 10 point lead,if they are as bad as a lot of spurs fans say they are then whats that make spurs

  17. I realise now that both 5-2s were due to poor referees

    Arsenal should have been reduced to 10 men for the stonewall penalty involving Bale and that retard Howard Webb ignored the rules of the game and instead continued his hatred of Spurs by sending off Adebayor for trying to win the ball

  18. since we may be without Bale and Lennon, suggest to play 4-3-2-1 with a different combination. Caulker to pair with Dawson, pushing Jan up to pair with Parker. BAE and Walker will provide the width and the rest will select themselves (sig, Holtby, Dempsey, Ade – we have no choice with the 1 to hold for the other 3)

    • Very good call my friend.never thought of that but it sounds like a great idea to me…just hope you are available in the summer as I think u may be needed.

  19. If you listen to the banter on the streets of north London you will hear two completely different levels of cussing, from the blue and white side of town Spurs fans beileve that the tide has changed at that they are now the best team. Yes they have at times been the most exciting team to watch this season, and that has been a team effort and not down to one man ( we all know who ). But do we have ( deja – vu ) here again, have many Spurs fans including Spurs players started to celebrate to early…….. Hmmmmm time will tell.
    Yet from the red and white side of town it's been a different atmosphere, the poor Arsenal fans don't know wether there comming or going. They have seen there beloved team go backwards over the last few years and have now been branded as a selling club, yes they still have a team of internationals but somethings still missing !!!!
    So is it true ? Has the tide changed maybe !!! Maybe not !!! What i do know for certain is, although both Clubs are within touching distance lets remember this. Spurs fans feel there having a great season and have enjoyed playing in europe again against some big names in europeanen football, where as Arsenal fans feel there having a nightmare season. A nightmare that will not last forever thats for sure, so finally have Spurs got that much better or have Arsenal just got that much worse? Being an Arsenal fan i know which one i'm going with Hahahahahaha

    On the bright side i think we can can all agree, it makes for a more exciting season ha…. To all that have read this i hope you all have a good day. Thank u

  20. We have to unite! The club needs some radical changes to bring it back to it’s former glory. First sack Villas-Boas. Second drop Vertonghen and Gallas and bring in some English steel with Dawson and Caulker. A midfield of Falque, Townsend and Livermore has the bite we need and give Harry Kane a chance ffs!!

  21. Well, I hadn't seen this site before but having every comment (at least as a guest) have to be approved by a moderator kinda stunts the conversation, doesn't it? How long does it take to get a guest comment approved?

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