A crowd of 36,000 gathered to witness the death of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club on Thursday evening. Coroners described the death as ‘premature, shocking and unusual’, stating that ‘never had such a minor event resulted in such a tragic outcome’. They identified the cause of death as a 2-2 draw at home to an excellent Champions League team, before comparing it to ‘a spider, crawling into your mouth whilst sleeping, then realising it is very hungry, and eating all of your internal organs’ – the chief coroner then simply summarised by saying it was ‘unexpected’.
The coroner then tried to identify the stages that led to the death. They said that the two first-half goals of FC Basel, combined with an extremely lethargic display, was ‘the first nail in the coffin’. He went on to say that there was then a short period of recovery, as two Tottenham goals galvanised the crowd and the players, but soon, it all dwindled. Tottenham soon had to be placed on a life support system, and when William Gallas walked off, saying (I quote) “I’m tired”, the electricity supply flickered. The final straw was the heart of Tottenham being destroyed, and having to be stretchered off. At that point, they closed the door on Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.
Shocked fans were deep in discussion on their way home from the tragic and sudden passing. “We are finished” they said. “How can we possibly only draw at home to Basel?” and “AVB out” others said.
But then, rising out of the ashes, came hope. Shouts of elation came up on Friday afternoon as it was revealed that Tottenham Hotspur Football Club had in fact survived. The heart and soul of Tottenham was revealed to only be ‘temporarily damaged’ for just 2 weeks – and fortunately Gareth Bale and Aaron Lennon are only out for a short time too.
And then, a scandalous statement. “We are still in the Europa League”. What is this nonsense? We drew at home to Basel! That’s the end of the season. The season is finished. It’s not pining! It’s passed on! This season is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! Its metabolic processes are now history! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!
We are 3rd in the Premier League. We are still in the quarter finals of the Europa League, although we do face a tough task to go any further. We still have the French national captain, the best player in the Premier League, the German under-21 captain, one of the best defenders in the world, one of the most exciting managers in the world, and we have Steffen Freund.
Bloody hell, get a grip. Tottenham Hotspur lives on, and it will live on if we are in the Blue Square South, and it will live on if we win the Champions League.
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