O Captain! Vice Captain! Oh Crap!

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Image: SpursWeb

While there are a lot of rules at my work, it is always the unwritten rules that really make a difference and make the job easier.  One of the most important unwritten rules is simply, “Do not type angry”.  This rule is pretty self-explanatory.  When you get frustrated and want to tell the person what an idiot they truly are, the rule of thumb is to type out an email and write whatever you want.  The important part is to not address the email.  Let it sit overnight in the draft folder and come back to it the next morning so you can address the issues in a calmer fashion.

I am breaking this unwritten rule because, allow me to be blunt, I am angry.  Where do I start?  Unlike in previous years, I cannot put a whole lot of blame on the coach.  I am a fan of Pochettino and I like his style, but my goodness, where was it in this game?  I barely saw any of the drive, energy, and hustle we saw in previous games (with the exception of Lamela and Eriksen).

Let’s start in the back.  Not Hugo, I have no beef with him.  I have to begin with our defenders.  Let’s start with “O Captain! My Captain!”  I was listening to a Tottenham supporter podcast today that expressed my exact sentiments and concerns when it comes to our new captain.  To his credit, he appears to be a good guy who loves the club.  My biggest worry about him being captain is this means he will actually play.  On our depth chart, I would probably put him at 3 or 4 behind Vertonghen, Fazio, and maybe Dier (we have not seen enough of Dier in his true position to make a sound judgment).  I have railed on Kaboul in the past for his poor play and this game did not do anything to dissuade my previously held opinion.  Both Kaboul and Dier had sub-standard games.  They had their share of mistakes but they were not nearly as bad as others.

The focus of my wrath is on Vlad and Adebayor.  People want to nickname Chiriches Vlad the Impaler, but it does not seem fitting after today’s game.  Today he should be known as Vlad the Inhaler because, wait for it, he sucked.  I know it is lame, but let’s face it, it’s fitting.  He was consistently getting beat, out of position numerous times, and just played poorly.  I haven’t seen anyone’s ratings for the game thus far, but if anyone gives him more than a 2 out of 10, I’ll have to question their sanity and judgment.

Was Vlad the worst player of the game?  It’s debatable because now it’s my turn to jump right back on my Texas sized soap box to talk about someone else who causes my censors to always kick in while watching the game because the young’uns are usually within earshot, Emmanuel “First-Touch” Adebayor.  Even worse than having Kaboul as captain, I was terrified/horrified to find out our vice-captain is ol’ First Touch.  My biggest fear of having them named captain and vice-captain is the underlying meaning that they will play more this season.  I was hoping they were just fillers until our injured players were back or up to full speed (Soldado, Vertonghen, and Fazio).  Now, I’m sick to my stomach thinking of the future with these two leading the way.

The one part of Ade’s game that drives me absolutely bonkers is, you guessed it, his first touch.  It’s horrible.  Calling Ade First Touch is much like when someone calls me “skinny” or “slim” (Full disclosure requires I say I am neither skinny nor slim).  Every time someone kicks him the ball, I look to see if another player is nearby to catch the ball after it ricochets off his foot.  When we are really lucky, the ball ricochets into the path of another player.  Some would call this a 1-2 or a “give and go” but I call it the Togolese two-step after ol’ First Touch.  Seriously, I cannot think of another professional footballer on a “good” team with such a horrible first touch.  His first touch alone makes him worse than either Soldado or Kane.  How can we be worse off with them playing forwards?

Were Vlad and First Touch the only culprits today?  Of course not, most of the players were mediocre at best.  Special kudos to Danny Rose for a great game and Lamela.  I know Lamela was not perfect and had some dumb giveaways, but he and Rose at least looked like they cared and were busting their butts for the team.

So, this ended up being my 3rd version of the article (the first two were flagged for obscenities), but I am still angry.  Now that I think ahead to next week when we have to play the [EXPLETIVE REMOVED], I am less angry and more nervous.  Which of our teams will show up?  The one that beat up on QPR and played well in a draw to Sunderland or the one that got killed by Liverpool and went MIA today? My sad prediction is we lose 3-1 with “O Captain” playing poorly and ol’ First Touch living up to his nickname…yet again.

I am TexasHotspur.  COYS!

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