Opinion: Spurs’ 2022/23 season – A tongue-in-cheek view of what’s to come

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Antonio Conte
Photo by DANIEL LEAL/AFP via Getty Images

Right, let me preface this by saying that I’m no Nostradamus. I might be amazingly good looking, extremely witty and fiercely intelligent but tell the future, I cannot. Still, I’m going to make some light-hearted guesses on how next season is going to go. If anything, you can use this as a guide to bet against all my predictions, based on how often I get this kind of stuff right.

I had a good weekend, and we have a four-day bank holiday at the end of the month so I’m feeling glass half-full. With that in mind, I believe Antonio Conte stays and is backed by old baldy chops. Not with Billions obviously, but enough to persuade Conte to stay on.

The Summer

Putting my realistic head on, the summer transfer window isn’t all that inspiring, but we do make some decent moves and decisions. Lucas Moura returns to Brazil and Steven Bergwijn is bought by Ajax. The Mirror reports that no transfer fee was paid, but that the Mayor of Amsterdam offered a free bike ride around the canals of Amsterdam, something that Daniel Levy found too hard to turn down.

In terms of incoming players, Joe Rodon and Ben Davies are given lifetime contracts and guaranteed starting positions with all Welsh players recently being identified as ‘stupidly good’.

Christian Eriksen returns home, Dejan Kulusevski remains on a permanent contract and Pau Torres is the marquee signing, joining in exchange for Gio Lo Celso and £34m.

The Premier League

Prediction – 3rd

We’re still Spurs, so we aren’t winning the title. The good news is that Roman Abramovich will want his £1.5b loan repaid by Chelsea. They’ll comply, but it’ll mean that they can’t bring any new players in. Thomas Tuchel will leave, being replaced by a cut-price, dancing Alan Pardew.

That’ll leave us battling with Arsenal and United for 3rd and we’ll pip both. We’ll obviously take 6 points off City and Conte will decide to play 6-4-0 in both games against Liverpool, securing two 0-0 draws. Whilst we’ll lose to Bournemouth, Wolves and twice against United, we’ll do enough over the rest of the season to get 3rd.

Our top scorer will be Joe Rodon, with Ben Davies topping the assists chart. Because they’re Welsh and awesome.

The FA Cup

Prediction – Win

Ok, I think that as long as we avoid Middlesboro, we’ll win the FA Cup. In fairness, we’ll have an easier run that Liverpool’s Champions League run this year, but a win is a win, right?

On our way to the final, we’ll beat Chester, Swansea, Morecombe, Barnsley and Arsenal before meeting a star-studded Newcastle team in the final. Despite them having an attack comprising of Neymar, Mbappe and Chris Wood, we’ll manage to hold them off and battle to a well fought 2-1 win at Wembley.

The League Cup

Prediction – 4th Round

Alas, I don’t think we’ll win the League Cup. We’ll navigate the third round but will valiantly go out in the 4th, losing on penalties to Nottingham Forest.

Europe

Prediction – Not winning anything

This is hard to really predict as we don’t know if we’ll be in the Champions League or Europa League. Either way, I don’t think we win either.

If we’re in the big boy’s competition, I think we make it out of the group but fall to a new-look Dortmund team in the second round. We win the first leg at home. But get absolutely destroyed at Signal Iduna Park with their new forward Sébastien Haller bagging a brace and knocking us out.

We’ll fair better in the Europa but will get knocked out in the latter stages by Sevilla. Because everyone gets knocked out against Sevilla.

Talking Points

The major talking points for Spurs are:

  • The 17-0 aggregate wins against Chelsea in the league.
  • Joe Rodon and Ben Davies sharing the Ballon d’Or.
  • Arsenal admitting that they aren’t truly from north London and moving back to Woolwich.
  • The new Antonio Conte statue outside the stadium.
  • Daniel Levy’s new wig.

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